Bits

Bits...last night I was in them! I was down in a place where reserves of all kinds of strength are running low and though I'm a bit better now I'd appreciate no platitudes in response along the lines of 'things looking better in the morning' because they didn't, and no, it's not the weather or the time of year either!

I have some good virtual friends but sometimes it feels as if only a real live one will do. Someone you don't have to pay, or make an appointment for. Someone who cares and is just there...or who would be very soon. Someone for whom 'busy' doesn't come into it, who doesn't say 'can't you ask someone else'. Someone who won't say 'well, you need to this or that'...'or have you tried so and so'...who would just say 'what can I do?' even if all they could do is give you a hug.

So I offered it up. Religious people might say I prayed...or they might say I couldn't because I'm a heathen but whatever I did, I did it. And this morning there was a comment on my last post from Juanita and when I looked at her last one it contained some verses of Mohammed which were rather apt. Have a look at walswords.blogspot.com...Now Mohammed lived a very different life in a very different time and place but his words still spoke to me. What I'm going through is nothing compared to what others have had dealt to them over the centuries...Earthly comfort and support may come or may not but in the end it doesn't really matter anyway. It's only wanting it to be there when it isn't that causes us to suffer. And if that sounds like I'm mixing up bits of religion...well, that's just another of my heathen ways I guess!

I give thanks for the support and comfort I do have and I am open to and welcome any more that may arrive. I give thanks to Lynn for saying I can text her tomorrow during the waiting times if I'm able and for the Force centre saying if I have longer and a counsellor is free I can talk to them too... I give thanks for a good book to read.

I give thanks to our local Environmental Health team for keeping an eye on my environment and for the NHS keeping an eye on my health...I give thanks for a letter from Kostas that survived the damp hallway and for some bitumen replacement starting on the flat roof. I give thanks for my neighbour upstairs blasting music out since she came home a few minutes ago as it means I'll get off my lazy behind and do some more of the things that need to be done.

A few years back a bunch of us at work were going a learning curve with some new software we were trialling for the company. We went for a drink afterwards and we talking about mottos for life. One of them was 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and though I think it still has some validity emotionally, I now know physically it's not always true... Mine was 'You don't have to live like a refugee'. And there again it is open to debate but for me it means even if you are a refugee/ victim/sufferer you should try not to be on all levels all of the time. Try to focus on the ways in which you are not... Challenging sometimes. I have another I made up a while back...you know the one(s) about if life hands you lemons...? Well, this is kind of a version of that...If there's no sign of the cavalry then learn to like rats! And I have plenty of delicious rat recipes if anyone feels besieged and is interested!

Flight of fancy

Have you watched any of the Earthflight programmes? I've thought they were pretty good even though I'm not especially 'birdy' but set the series to record on the grounds they were fine 'do nothing but watch' entertainment. Anyway, my Skybox recordings need a bit of a sort through and I realised I'd not watched the 'Asia' one so I did so last night thinking I could delete it straight afterwards as I had the others...but I can't! It is so beautiful and amazing I want to watch it at least once again...jaw dropping views and rewind-did-I-hear-that-right moments...Bar headed geese flying five miles high? Millions of mini parrot budgies in a flock? Beyond a doubt one of the most enjoyable nature programmes I've ever seen...I even liked the music! Anyway...in case you hadn't twigged that's a major gratitude and a recommendation too!

Huge thanks to Pat for all her research, notes and suggestions...and for having the excellent sense to send them in a waterproof envelope!

Thanks for not having any of the vegetable stew I fancied in the freezer...nor even a canned substitute on the shelf...but for having just the right ingredients to make it. So a potful is in the slow cooker now! OK it won't be ready til supper time but in the meantime there were fish fingers to cook while I was chopping. Fish fingers! The comfort and convalescence food of my early years...and middle years.... Hmmm, if I haven't got a tremendously long time to live are these actually my 'middle' years? Answers on a comment please...ha ha!

I'm grateful too for the splendidly stay at home and snuggle up weather as it's pretty much all I want to do today...and pretty much all I really honestly need to do either...in between the chores of course! I give thanks for allowing myself to be gentle with myself if that makes sense to you...well it does to me anyway. If you're someone who pretty much never has anyone to say 'Sit down, let me do that!' you have to remember to be the person who sits down sometimes...not just the person who 'does'...You have to try to do unto yourself as you would have others do to you.

I give thanks for the roar of the sea and the patter of rain on double glazed windows. For calm and cosiness inside. For the fortune of warmth, the abilities of appliances and the treasures you can find on TV.

Decorative

So many of us decorating at the moment...even if in many cases it's an intermittent and ongoing project. Pat your bathroom sounds lovely! Is your friend painting pictures or actually on the wall?

I've been meaning to do some more 'starting' in my bedroom but I can either do something outdoors or do something indoors not both on the same day...and often need a rest day or two in between as well. I'm so glad I discovered I can get the British Eurosport channel and can call my rest this week 'watching tennis' and get out of bed in the morning to do it! That's something even well people do isn't it? This morning I would still be under the duvet if not for the Australian Open Final. I couldn't make it to the sofa in time for the start but the match was only properly waking up when I was it seems...much gratitude for that! I give thanks too for chamomile and spearmint tea and oatcakes...ideal refreshment when the nausea is bad as the first can brew in the mug beside you and the second eaten straight from the packet. Pretty handy when fatigued or watching live sport too!

I give thanks for a hazy still day here to match my demeanour...and for rain in Melbourne which delayed play at a crucial point but which gave us all the entertaining sight of rows of ball boys and girls on their hands and knees working their way towards the net as the roof slid closed mopping the court dry with towels. Who would have thought that was how it was done, eh? Wouldn't it be nice if someone would do that upstairs before my not long decorated kitchen is spoiled? It was drying out nicely but has started seeping through again.

I just re read my post yesterday and was amused to see I mentioned I wanted to get out of sight of here because after meeting the car accident lady with the walking stick I decided to potter further along the coast path. It's a major tourist and retirement zone all along this stretch so there are numerous seats with not too far in between and you can take things in easy stages. There was one up ahead I was determined to get to before turning back and when I got there and got my binoculars out I was far enough along the headland to see this terrace!

I took a few pics but I like this one the best of the blossom blossoming on bare twigs in front of the evergreens with sea blue in the distance behind. It's a little fuzzy (camera shake? wind?) but I love the depth...

Angel day

I'm SOOOO tired but I'll just quickly post something about my day before I drift towards the horizontal. I decided last night I needed 'angelic' help to address my childhood fears...I have a disabling terror of bullying and abuse that stems from a serious shortfall of security and protection while I was growing up. But I survived that and I am grown up now and even though part of me still thinks people are going to do me harm there's no more point in running away and hiding than there ever was! I am grateful for another chance to learn to deal with conflict and confrontation...honestly I am, even though it's hard!

I thought this morning...for goodness sake woman...you've fought cancer well enough for it to back off - this shows how strong you are. I'm sure you can deal with neighbours and landlords intimidating you, too. And with the fear that they might! And the first thing I found when I got outside my door was that the landing light switch had been fixed!!! I have a working landing light for the first time for well over a year...woohoo! It wasn't like that on Thursday afternoon and I can't remember if I checked yesterday so who knows but it only happened because I've stood my ground so it seemed a good reinforcement of this resolution...

Then in the lovely warm sunshine I decided I wanted to go somewhere out of sight of here and took a bus ride along the coast a little to where the shape of the headland means you can't. And I went to the cafe with the most spectacular view for miles and when I realised all the window tables were taken I asked a woman sitting alone if I could share. And we sat happily ignoring each other and admiring the scenery for a while and then she asked me if my soup was good to break the conversational ice. I said I'd needed to get away from home to have a fresh perspective and think about things and she said she was doing the same thing because she had difficulty dealing with conflict and it must go back to her childhood. Now sometimes when a stranger starts telling you stuff like this you feel a bit over informed perhaps but I was like 'oh don't start crying with amazement at cosmic synchronicity for goodness sake...you came out to get some, afterall, ha ha!' and so we had a lovely chat and then went out separate ways and then I set off for a little stroll, wondering how far I should push myself to go and met a 78yr old woman who had been knocked down by a car and was trying to get her walking legs back so...yeah, you get the idea I'm thinking. Brilliant day...too many things I'm grateful for to mention, lots of 'angelic' hints and tips including a house with a pair of cherub size feathered wings in the window, and sunshine and views and nice things to eat and interesting people and friendly dogs to talk to... hope yours was just as good too!

What comes down

Gratitude this morning for sunlight streaming in my south facing windows...For water not streaming through the building!
For waking up in time to get up to watch Australian Open tennis and for some shout out loud good tennis to watch!
For mastering my new home blood pressure monitor and the reticence I have a) at having to have one (I associate them with hypochondriacs and invalids and am not keen to align myself with either group!) and b) at discovering the reading. It was OK and I give thanks too to the good doctor for suggesting that going to the surgery to have it done is probably pushing it up!
For text chats with both my good chums Jared and Clive...
For my very helpful urology nurse arranging the bone scan on the same day as the CT scan but in such a manner as both can be done in one trip
And that my appointment with the surgeon to discuss the results and feasibility of operations has been arranged for two weeks after that which gives me time in the middle to take my booked break...

AAARGH! (DON'T READ ON IF YOU ONLY WANT GRATEFUL NEWS).I wrote the above and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea...and found that there is water coming through the ceiling and wall. I knocked on the door of the flat above and asked the tenant if she had a problem and she said it was the boiler and the water pressure was all over the place and the freeholder was going to come round to fix it sometime next week. I took a picture and updated the council official and he said I had to try to ring the freeholder and I did and the freeholder said there was no problem with the boiler - it was the tenant who didn't understand how to regulate the water pressure properly and that the water couldn't be coming from her boiler anyway as it was over the hallway, not over my kitchen. I reiterated that the water was coming into the flat from above so should be attended to anyway. He said as far as he was concerned the leak was not his responsibility but coming from my hot water tank (which is neither on the same side of the building nor above the level of my kitchen).

He said he would come and have a look tomorrow as he had to come round and serve a summons on another leaseholder for non payment of ground rent and buildings insurance. I suspected I knew where this was leading (all the demands arrived by the same post and, unless they had different dates, although due none of them was overdue)and sure enough he then went on to point out I hadn't paid mine either. I asked if the other leaseholder's demand had been accompanied by a Summary of Rights and Obligations as is required by law because he wouldn't be able to serve a legal notice if not, and explained that mine hadn't and they weren't legally binding unless they had been. He said we'd been through all that before with me trying not to pay what I owed (we hadn't but I had queried some charges previously)and it didn't matter if I'd had a bit of paper or not he'd take out an injunction against me. I explained that he wouldn't be able to unless he served the demand correctly in the first place and he said 'Whatever' and slammed the phone down.

I had a long chat with the Leasehold Advisory Service and they advised me to write to the address on the demand by recorded post and request a fresh copy accompanied by a Summary of Rights and Obligations and to apply to the Leasehold Valuation Tribunal regarding the disputed charges.

It's all very well knowing I am in the right but I still feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. I don't know if he will come round tomorrow and think I might just try to hide somewhere in case he does as I feel he will threaten and intimidate me, and whilst I know he 'can't' that doesn't mean he won't try and it frightens me that I won't succeed in not being frightened.

I don't have problem with paying anything I legally owe if I'm asked for it in a legal and reasonable manner. I also try to be generous of spirit and not vindictive. I don't wish harm or distress on this man, I just wish he would have an epiphanic moment and realise he is being a complete arse! And further to my answered cosmic request for some free legal advice I'm now putting out an APB for someone big and strong and kind to be on call for me when I feel the need of comfort and protection.

I was going to upload a photo from yesterday of winter sunlight on the sea and river at this point to cheer us all up but all my camera batteries are flat. Have this instead - it's irrelevant but pretty...Newquay May 2009 I think...

Non drip

Mmm...rest...I'm grateful for rest! I'm grateful for finding food I wanted to eat in our famously untasty Co op and the friendly service in the little local veg shop. For a selection of tankers 'parked' in the bay to admire, for great acupuncture and a big slab of tiffin from the bakers to take home for afternoon tea.

I give thanks to Pat for her helpful research and advice...for the hospital finding me a scan slot so soon (next week!)...for the new More 4 channel logos with the flipping multi coloured triangles (I particularly love the way the wind makes them change), for some lovely light effects with the changeable weather here today some of which I snapped but am too tired to upload now...for the row upstairs being comical so far tonight rather than scary...and for Irina Werning's amazing then and now 'Back to the Future' photo projects...

And I'm really really grateful the drips are still not dripping

Positive news

The solar storm is abating and it looks like I've missed the Northern Lights in Scotland this time. Never mind I used to say I wanted to see them before I died so clearly I have some more living to do!

I give thanks for a restful day yesterday full of...well, rest actually!  It's a funny thing and I don't know if it's the same for everyone but if I decide not to do anything apart from the most basic essentials I usually actually get quite a lot of other things done. Maybe it's the lack of pressure... Anyway I'm particularly grateful for a bit of a sort out of fabric and yarn and coming across exactly what I needed but didn't think I had!  And for vacuuming the carpets when I'd put everything away and there were lots of bits of fluff and thread everywhere. I do love things clean and neat... Mmm, no shoes on the hallway floor! And for some quite surprisingly neat mending too...

Talking of mending the scaffolding wasn't for here but next door. I had the kitchen window open a few times leaning out checking for developments and one time I heard partly heard part of a conversation at ground level but out of sight that seemed to be about the leak here.Someone seemed to be pointing out to someone else that the water running down the outside of the flat at the top of the building was the same as the water coming out under the front door at the bottom...of course that might have been wishful imagination as I couldn't hear every word or see who was talking or where the were looking...something similar could be happening next door for all I know!

However, aural curtain twitcher that I am, later on I was sure I heard the landlord's maintenance man go into the top flat and after that there was some clattering and whooshing in the pipes to my stopcock which sounded to me as if hers had been turned off and then some tools on metal sounds and then someone went downstairs for a short while and came back which I thought might be checking the results and then when they'd gone I did and hey presto the overflow had stopped overflowing. Not rocket science was it? Just plumbing! Of course, it might be a bodge job temporary repair...I've yet to check how it's fared over night. And there's still the flashing to be seen to...but after eight weeks in the impasse it's progress and that's positive news...

Do you know about Positive News? It's a quarterly paper full of positive and inspiring news stories of all kinds. This one caught my eye because I love flash mobs and meditating...
http://positivenews.org.uk/2011/wellbeing/spirit/5148/flash-mob-meditations-london-awaken-public-interest/

I'm grateful for a quiet cosy night, a washed blue morning...

Going with the flow

Day two of my horizontal fitness programme. I can mentally manage the shiatsu stretches very well but I get a bit lost in the Salute to the Sun...I did the former for about twenty five years so they are more ingrained perhaps. They kind of look like this....http://www.betweentwoworlds.info/workout.htm
About eighteen months ago I went through a phase of doing the practice in my head and actually got to the stage of being able to do it for real sometimes. I don't know if I'll get that far this time but I swear I'm standing up straighter after lying down thinking about it! I give thanks for knowing how and for having done and for trying to!

When I went to get my morning tea I saw there was a scaffolding truck outside. I don't want to get over excited as scaffolding is necessary for all manner of work these days and it's big terrace of high buildings...but the landlord told the council that scaffolding was being put up on Monday so the time frame is right for it to be that! He's told me they told him to replace the flat roof over the porch and the storage areas above but they only told him to stop the water getting in and it may be just a repair to the flashing needed. Of course the other problem is the steady drip of water itself...there are various slants on this... The water coming into the building started at the same as water started steadily trickling down the outside wall from an pipe sticking out of the wall above my flat and crossing the aforementioned flashing. The landlord actually sent someone round to look at this on 5th December and is on record as saying it was a boiler overflow from the flat above and had been fixed. But the water never stopped running outside and in...and he's also now said it's coming from my flat...just to worry me/get the council off his back I think. If I do have a mysterious water source with an overflow a few metres above the stopcock buried in a wall it will have to be builders that fix it I think and I doubt I'd be liable as it's certainly not within my premises. Over to you Pat on that!


My next gratitude is going to sound a bit odd I'm sure but I give thanks for the info that my kidney function has deteriorated again. I sometimes feel lately as if I just do not have the strength to stand up and move around and have been giving myself a real hard time over it thinking I'm just not trying hard enough... so there is a certain relief in knowing it's not just me becoming a lazy wimp! When you live alone you have to be able to push yourself a bit...even the basic approach of 'plenty of rest and plenty of fluids' requires figuring out or the second part can cancel out the first. My kidney function has dropped to below dialysis level before now and I've still been able to look after myself after a fashion. It's well above that now so I'll be fine....it's just nice to stop beating myself up about having so little energy!

I give thanks that the living room walls are finally finished and a tiny start has been made in the bedroom (bit of filling on the ceiling, bit of wallpaper off behind a curtain). I give thanks for the lovely paper I've chosen for one wall...and bought to spur us on!

I give thanks for the mild weather that meant I could sleep with my window open enough to hear the waves lapping and birds singing. I give thanks for the uncut Got to Dance auditions programmes. It's getting to the knock out rounds now and I don't enjoy those so much because people give amazing performances and 'lose' but in the meantime there are still incredible things to see and available on youtube if you don't have Sky. So many different styles but search for Kav-man even if you're not a break dancing fan...Lynn will know why!
And Lynn...this is for you http://m.laredoute.co.uk/kickers-boy-s-lace-up-ankle-boots.htm?productid=324237569 The coloured ones were pretty but not really me...no red though.

Bing

You know about doing things in your head don't you? You know that if you imagine situations or activities your body responds, to some extent, as if they were real? This isn't fluffy pink candle and crystal stuff, it's over there in real science as 'someone' might say. Whether you think it's useful in healing or happiness is entirely up to you but it's used in areas such sport performance enhancement and stroke rehabilitation so not the exclusive preserve of woolly headed old hippies by any means.

Anyway, this morning I mentally did the shiatsu and yoga exercises I used to physically perform pretty much every day when I was able and it felt great! I give thanks for memory and imagination to recreate these things...

I'm on a two week 'getting up earlier' programme to get ready for my little trip away. Even though they've said we can come to some arrangement over late breakfast I want to be able to enjoy as much of the days as possible. I've booked a big room with a bay window (bay both in shape and outlook) so even if I mostly only feel up to gazing out of it I will have a 'change of scene'. I'd given up staying away from home because I was finding it such an effort so it's a leap of faith trying again but only in the next county so not a huge leap! I'm grateful anyway for having the spirit to try...

Today I also give thanks for the greyness of the weather which makes idleness easier...for cleaning the bathroom which now goes 'bing' with brightness...and for reclaiming sight of my kitchen table top!

Hearing voices

I'm not a great one for keeping abreast of the news but I give thanks (again) for the wonderful images on the In Pictures section of the BBC website...glimpses of other ways of being on other parts of the planet...and for the stunning entries in the Your Pictures competitions where people send them in. 'Morning light' was a recent theme...

It was check up day with Dr Galli today and my kidney function was down...booh! but my haemoglobin is up..hurray! This explains why I am so totally, fall asleep right this minute exhausted so much of the time but how if I can get myself moving in between naps I'm functioning OK. He agrees if I'm fit for the op and they offer it, it would probably improve not only the quality of my own life but my kidney's too... Thanks (again) for his very thorough care...

Now, about hearing voices... I don't mean in a schizophrenic or other worldly way...but when you hear a voice you know though you can't see the person. It can be awkward...A friend of mine was tired and emotional at a wild all night party many years ago and took a nap under a blanket on the back seat of her Ford Capri. They had long sloping bonnets you may recall...Well, she woke up to find the car bouncing and a couple...how shall we phrase this...using the car for support? Embarrassing enough, but to make matters worse she could tell who they were from their voices...and they were two halves of two different couples. Far too much information!

Sometimes it can be auspicious. I was walking home from work past a large crowd drinking outside the pubs and restaurants on the quay one summer evening when I lived in Exeter. My head was full of a logistical conundrum to do with moving here but suddenly I thought...I know that voice! Took a while to find the chap it belonged to but when I did he insisted I joined him and his mates for a drink or two and ended up with the offer of van, one of those truck things for wheeling large appliances and two strong pairs of lifting arms! Much thanks to long lost friend Ross...with whom I shared many chuckles before he drifted out of my life.

Today it was just weird. I was explaining to the doctor why my blood pressure might be high and stopped myself from giving some details...partly because I didn't want it to go higher thinking about them! Then I heard the voice of someone outside in the waiting area who I know by sound from other situations where I don't see him, but who I would really prefer not to know anything about the fact that I do or that I know who he is...or my blood pressure would definitely rise! I told myself it couldn't be but then I heard him give his name and it was. Spooky!

I give thanks for brilliant sunshine while I was out and spots of rain just starting on my return...so I felt I had 'timed it right'. For a couple of make do and mend sewing brainwaves that came to me yesterday and for finding just the bits I need in the little shop in town.

And I give thanks (again) for those who take time to comment. I don't always reply but it doesn't mean I don't read and appreciate the fact that you're communicating with me...Tony, Sally and Pat have replies today so will feel very honoured and grateful I hope! If Lynn is patient she might even get an email in response to hers though I'm not comitting myself as to when, ha ha! They are a taupey brown nubuck by the way...one of my favourite colours...just bought them some protecting spray...

Direction

Pretty cool weather this pm too. Yes! I got outdoors after a lovely meditate and a lot of faffing around...but the delay meant the clouds had blown away by the time I did! It was actually VERY cool in the very strong wind but due to its direction and the town's geography barmily balmy warm in the sun on the sea front. It was a bit of an effort to get down there and after discarding my coat, hat and scarf and having a snack I just wanted to doze off but there was the small matter of getting back home... Never mind, what a joy to feel comfy enough to sleep outdoors in January! Thanks for a taxi turning up just as I got to the rank and to three consecutive naps in three consecutive editions of Time Team so that I understand even less about history than before!

Thank you for yummy leftovers in the fridge and that I managed to stir myself to heat them up and do some photocopying for Pat's perusal while I did! Gratitude for my comfy new Kickers on their first outing too. Good call everyone who voted on that. Thank you for messages and words of encouragement.. I hope everyone's week starts well...

Natural law

Wow! What a wonderful sunrise this morning! I was awake half buried under the duvet with my eyes still shut for a while and when I opened them I saw this amazing light filtering through the curtains and had to leap up (relative term) and open them. 100% of 180° of visible sky was streaked with every shade of pink and gold! The sun rises behind an evergreen tree this time of year but that's not a bad thing as it stops it dazzling you... but because of the wind the tree was waving around this morning and so there was a brilliant glitter effect through the leaves as glimpses of the sun appeared and disappeared. I give thanks for the weather, the view and the compact size of my bedroom that makes the window so near the bed!

I give thanks for the cosmos making its support a little more evident...read Pat's comment on my last post. I give thanks to Pat for spotting a way she may be able to help and for offering to do so. Bless you Pat!

I'm grateful that my body says if I treat it right it may take me outdoors later. At the moment treating it right involves more lying down and resting. I've already given it Good Earth tea but it might need rye toast and Paracetamol and some herbal remedies in a little while, then we'll have an in house MDT meeting to see which efforts are worth which rewards. I don't know why I said my external drainage system was a holiday home for viruses the other day...poetic heat of the moment maybe...it is, in fact, a permanent residence for bacteria and they are having an illegal rave right now partying away in my delicate parts. Really...on a Sunday too! There should be laws about that sort of thing...

Bright lights

Thank you Lynn...I know my personality is fine really - I just maybe should cut back on the amount of garlic I eat, ha ha! And I know I'm supported by the universe and always ultimately safe..and that being with the wrong people is lonelier than being alone, as well. I have no idea why I'm in a bit of a mope but I hope you're all having a splendid day.

I give thanks for the roaring winds and white topped waves though I could only appreciate them from indoors...maybe for the best, I seem to need rest. Perhaps tomorrow...I sorted out a bag of cardboard to take to the recycling place on the way just in case. I'm so grateful we have a cardboard recycling place and it's just between here and the sea!

I'm grateful to my TV for keeping me company and to my snuggly throw for surrounding me with snuggle. I'm grateful for peace and quiet and that the toothache is not so bad today and I managed to chew a bit, not just suck! I'm totally delighted with myself for painting the last little bit of still naked wallpaper in the living room and for making a tasty filo, feta and mixed veg pie. No spinach this time, adventurous too, eh? Oh and thanks to me for the washing up...much appreciated! And for remembering to switch on the pretty garland lights this evening to bring the brightness in.

Catfish

Oh my word...Catfish is on More4 at 10 pm. Record it just for the pleasure of being able to tell me to stop going on about it, ha ha! I give thanks for getting more talking and writing done about the freeholder thing yesterday and then getting some tea and just chilling with the wonderfully droll Coach Trip Brendan and 'celebrities', the sofa gripping gasp out loud roads on IRT Andes and then more laugh out loud fun on Come Dine with Me. Then I had one of my mini baths with Lushly goodness in and Alan Bennett read to me in bed...well he didn't really but I read some of his Untold Stories which I found in a charity shop on Thursday. I love the way he writes and because I know what his voice sounds like I kind of hear it like that in my head. I love being read to...and I actually like reading out loud. I used to read for a talking newspaper...much thanks for all these pleasures and memories too...

I promised myself I'm going to try to enjoy this weekend as much as possible, not get too stressed about serious stuff at all. Best of all I'd like some company and companionship...someone to give me a real hug maybe, someone really there just to hang out with, cook some food with, chat with... I'm so strong but I'm human you know? There's so much going on and it would be nice to have some time out!

I'm going to try not to fret or trouble myself with best or worse case scenarios regarding health issues or neighbours or the freeholder although someone did suggest he might send his heavies in to intimidate me which left me feeling very uncomfortable. I try not to dwell on the incredible vulnerability of many aspects of my living situation...and I would rather not be reminded. All the things that are most precious to you would probably be precious to me if I had them...and although I guess safety and support has always an element of illusion I would like a more of an illusion sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who wrote kindly and encouragingly yesterday. As Carole points out, the surgery they are talking about is major and the first time I heard of it (September 08) I cried because I didn't want it done...so it's kind of funny that it's become almost desirable to me now, don't you think? The reason it wasn't done was that after they found cancer elsewhere in my body they didn't think I had very long to live anyway. 'It' wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth it...take it how you will. So to still be here and still well enough to have them review and reconsider without even one full course of chemo is well...pretty astonishing and amazing in and of itself whatever else transpires...even if the next bunch of tests and scans show deterioration.

So think on chaps and chapesses...they may not have sussed out who, what or how yet but there are situations in which cancer does not behave as badly as it might. Let's hope they find out more about them, eh?

Even if they are able to operate, it's not a miracle cure of all my ills remember...I will still have cancer. I will still have only one kidney, and that still will be damaged. I will still have a bag. I will still have the stroke damage on my left hand side and numbness on my right that no one has been able to find the cause of. I'll still be billy no mates me lying in bed on a Saturday morning pretending to talk to people who are not there and wishing she had a 'real' life. I'm going to look into personality transplants...I wonder if I could get one on the National Health?

Fighting chance

When I wrote last night about not giving up the fight I wasn't referring to the cancer fight and it was only reading it again that I realised that you might think it was. I was talking about the fight(s) with the freeholder of the building where my flat regarding his obligations as such. Adequately lit communal areas and no running water that isn't from a tap would seem to anyone but him to be reasonable requests but he makes me (and anyone else who I get to back me up such as CAB, MP and Environmental Health) right to the wire every time. Legal proceedings are lengthy and expensive and he knows my resources of health and wealth are limited and I think he assumes I will give up one way or another sooner or later but over the last couple of days I have come to the decision that even though I prefer avoiding conflict and stress (and typing and phone calls!) and would prefer to devote my time to crafts and contemplation and blogging and watching TV...the fact that I am poor and in poor health actually makes justice even more important not less. The vulnerable rarely have a strong enough voice to have access to the same care and attention as those who are more able. It's not really about me (for I am able to 'rise above it'), or the people who come after who may or not have the wherewithal to kick ass) but about doing the right thing again and the right thing is to not give up the fight because it is about right. And not to fight with bitterness or anger because that is wrong. I have skills that can still be used I reckoned and if I die in the process well it's for a worthy cause...

Well anyway, the phone rang this morning and at first I thought the woman on the other end said she was 'Rhian' the solicitor I was speaking to yesterday and then I realised it was 'Karen' the urology nurse who I'd asked to send me another Luer lock connector (you don't need to know!). She was ringing to say she was sending me one and to say the MDT was reviewing my case. My case had been in the On the Way Out Tray for some while as you know til blessed Dr Galli got hold of it. When I was told last summer my primary bladder tumour had shrunk Rachel, my acupuncturist, (bless her too!) had said 'Ooh, maybe you can have it out then'. I'd not thought of it like that and I'd kind of scratched my chin and wondered. I mentioned it to Dr Galli and he was rather taken aback but agreed that as the reason they weren't going to was because they thought my cancer was spreading ferociously whereas it now seems to be static or in retreat it was a reasonable question. So he put it to the urology team and they said...well you know you might be right, come and have some more scans and checks and we'll have a chat. No chemo? I asked. No, we promise...no chemo she said. (For new readers this is not cos I'm chicken but because it actually tried to kill me!) Now I don't want to get over excited about this as we will have to see what transpires but if they could remove my bladder I would have a urostomy not a neprostomy. Now a urostomy is a chap like a colostomy...it is designed for you to carry on with a pretty normal life afterwards. You can, I'm crying at the thought, do wet things like proper baths and swimming! You don't have to have a wire rattling around in a sensitive organ and a tube that has become a holiday home for viruses. Can you imagine the luxury of that? What's that... you live with it every day? Have you any idea how fortunate you are? No I didn't either, ha ha! Seriously though, it may be the investigations prove it would not be possible or advisable but even so...are you getting this (especially you well people!)....after three years of 'nothing more can be done' people are talking about the fact that maybe it can...FFS wouldn't you be crying!!!

Small chilly ginger

Thanks for your comments and bravery awards... I want to print the badges and wear them but have yet to get out of bed after a couple of strenuous days. Shall we assume we're all real because we're not pretending to be tall hot blondes or vigorous young marines? I'm not entirely convinced that people don't pretend to have illnesses on the internet...or even to excuse themselves for pretending on the internet! Although, thank goodness, a less tragic tale than some, I still think Catfish is the most disturbing.

I give thanks that my various nightmares last night weren't real. For scarlet macaws on Earthflight. Such colourful, strong and intelligent birds...I absolutely love them! And spider monkeys...don't they look like big black furry five legged spiders when they are running around? Amazing too! I was once saw a flock of green parrots flying along a jungle stream on the Kokoda trail in Papua New Guinea and I give thanks for that astonishing, breathtaking glimpse and the astonishing, breathtaking glimpse backwards to another sort of me so unlike this one it's like another incarnation. And I'm not pretending either, ha ha! Like Pat I give thanks for me! I give thanks to Pat for thanking me too! There's a thread on Cancerchat about nominating special folks and I sometimes I think I should nominate myself for all I do for me but that would be a little odd even for me. I give thanks that the master plan is working though...every little helps eh?

Grateful said

Thank you to Rachel for 'treating' me so well...
Thank you to Rachel for my thank you card!
Thank you to Rachel for sharing the chunk of Lush soap I bought her...
Thank you to Community Legal Advice for so much of their time
Thank you to me for not giving up the fight
Thank you to the busking lady with the lovely voice cheering up a whole street
Thank you to everyone who gave her money
Thank you to her for stopping to saying thank you in the middle of her songs when we did
Thank you to a pile of good books in the charity shop
Thank you to a pile of good programmes recorded on my Sky Box
Thank you to the Got to Dance judges for watching each dance to the end
Thank you for seeing so many ways to dance and so many different dancers
Thank you for a great documentary on C4 called tallhotblonde about internet pretence
Thank you to my (apparent) internet friends for your messages
Thank you for my (apparent) internet friends
Thank you for listening
Night night

Short and curly

Mmm...bed! I'm so grateful I have one and I'm in it, ha ha! I give thanks for a mug of Good Earth organic tea and a snuggly dressing gown and that the pain where I hurt my back on Tuesday (just lying down!) is easing because I have to bend my legs to get dressed in a bit and it's leg bending that hurts! It's amazing how high up in your back muscles for operating legs go...what a wonderful thing a body is eh? Mine's possibly not wonderful enough to go out with only a sarong on my lower half though...especially the trouble I have tying knots with my damaged hands!

I give thanks for finding a kind hairdresser yesterday to tackle a trim of that strange stuff on my head and who seemed to accept my explanation that the random mixture of lengths was a result of the staggered restart out of my scalp rather than dodgy chopping before. It's a nicely un pink and fluffy unisex salon just down the road that was virtually empty at the time and apart from the involuntary exclamations at how curly it is everyone took it in their stride. Unless I live long enough for it to grow long again (and that's a very long time for very curly hair!) it's never going to be what I'd have chosen but I like it better than when I went in so what more can you ask eh? I've been to hairdressers only very rarely in my life and I always come out thinking how brave I've been so that's a bonus too!

Topping

OK...hands up who thought tangible rewards meant things I could carry home? I did, I admit it... And true I got some things I was looking for in the sewing shop including green Velcro (deep joy!) and did my bit to kickstart the British economy in Lush. My shopping list there sounded almost like some cryptic message as it read...Sacred Truth, Full of Grace, R & B, Jungle.

I also had delicious coffee and baklava at a Lebanese restaurant which kind of came home with me and I'm grateful for the physical and financial wherewithal for all of the above...but I was also blessed with a double decker bus to travel on and a really thoughtful driver who waited for me to get up the stairs before driving off. And the things I saw from my vantage point...such treats! I saw a little apple tree with its crop fallen in a circle around it and a little dog sunning itself sprawled along the high back of a sofa in a conservatory. I saw a clump of snowdrops in bloom in one field, one of daffodils in another and gaggles of different sorts of geese in two more. I saw flocks of other birds I'd have to look up to name, and one of ewes with numerous youngs lambs that seemed to be dancing in time with the song I was listening to. I love the way they jump with all four feet off the ground! I was so grateful for all these things I'm grinning just remembering. I gave thanks that I neither had a car of my own nor anyone else to drive me...now there's something you don't hear every day! But only on the top of a double decker bus can you see properly over the hedges...

Warm up

First of all I give thanks this morning that I'm feeling better. Not a lot...but I like it (to paraphrase Mr Daniels). I have the kind of average hot/cold tired and aching feeling you get with an infection but that's pretty much a constant anyway, and the deep chill seems to have passed. I managed some ironing and important letter writing yesterday evening and I'm grateful that's done.

Today I'm going to lie in bed a while longer fantasising (correction: *creatively visualising* ha ha!) someone bringing me a cuppa and sitting on the bed and asking what I feel like doing today and how they can help... And me saying 'Well, you know what? I could really do with a bit of a rest...would you mind making me some breakfast?' And I can really feel them patting my hand and hear them saying 'Yeah, sure, no problem...what do you fancy?' And I can sense that amazing safe feeling of lying warm and snug and cosy knowing someone else is taking care of things... I can hear the clatter of pans, the bubbling water, the slicing of the crusty bread...I can smell the toast and taste the poached eggs! I give thanks for my vivid imagination, and so grateful that I am still capable of looking after myself so well, but sometimes...sometimes...well you know!

Anyway, I'm going to get up and go out and on a long slow bus ride. I don't feel especially keen but I'm going somewhere I should be able to get some tangible rewards and also it's training for that trip away I'm planning. That involves a long slow bus ride so I need to see how it feels when I'm feeling rough...in case I do when I travel there. If anyone's tempted to say ' Why don't you wait until you feel better?' please stop and think and don't!

Of course I won't travel if I feel absolutely awful but the usual day to day options for me revolve round a) day to day chores - cooking, housework, 'paperwork' etc. b) chores I've set myself - improve my flat and my soul, make pretty things for charity and so on and c) abandoning the tasks to simply be. All of the above usually involve discomfort, often pain, and all are ongoing in that even with good health and boundless energy they will never be 'done' but I do find it hard to let go of trying to do a) and b) 'first' - a) as if they are not kept up to date they might become too out of hand to manage at all and b) because they are pleasant and 'worthy' distractions from a)...and sometimes even c)!

Don't worry if you don't understand...don't worry and be extremely happy that you don't! A long 'death sentence' spent largely in solitary can be challenging for the spirit and mind but I have Kostas to empathise with me on that. You lot go and play, OK? But come back soon!

Rewind

A very chilled day... By that I mean shivery as well as snoozy! I've tried warm clothes and warm drinks, getting up and bustling about and lying down and napping, a hot water bottle and paracetamol and pleasant distractions but since yesterday evening I just cannot get properly warm. Not properly warm inside...you know what I mean?

Oh well, my body's obviously fighting a bigger battle than usual...and it'll either win or not...we shall see. I'm grateful I have nothing urgent to do and can just take it easy and rest for I really don't feel like doing anything much at all... I'm grateful for the changing light outside on a hazy and still day with the sun peeking through now and then...That I had a Tesco delivery yesterday so the cupboards aren't bare...For hours of recorded TV to watch or fall asleep with...and wake up and rewind to watch again!

I'm grateful for cushions, sofas, snuggly throws, lamps, loos, internet access, fish fingers and Earl Grey tea...

Pause

Yay! I emailed a hotel I fancied staying in and said that I needed a recuperative break but that getting up and ready for public breakfast was too much like hard work so I wondered if I could have something in my room or a brunch later in their cafe bar and they said yes! Oooh I'm so excited now! I'd been looking for somewhere that offered room service but all the places that did didn't appeal. This seems to be a very laid back place with rave reviews and stunning views so fingers crossed all being well (including me) I shall be off there for a few nights in a few weeks. Even if not I feel very cherished by their response...they emailed me a breakfast menu to 'whet my appetite'. So much gratitude and glee...

Thanks too to Laura for a bit more work in the living room (it's getting there!) and for picking up a couple of rolls of the wallpaper I've chosen for a 'feature wall' in the bedroom when we get to that bit... I'm grateful especially for her help in putting furniture and effects back in their places as far as possible so that I can relax this evening. I'm not feeling so good so give heartfelt thanks for having nothing more pressing to do than pressing the buttons on my remote control...

Time and emotion

I've just been looking at Sally's blog...http://sh-healingcircle.blogspot.com/ Pop over and spot the family resemblance in themes and illustrations! I was interested to read how she likes a visually calm and ordered environment to be and be creative in...

This is an especial challenge for me now with energy resources and physical capabilities limited. There are things I want so much to make and write and do and I think I'll make a start when I've tidied up and sorted out and so on and the next thing you know it's early evening and the only thing my hands are holding is the remote control! There are valuable truths to be found in such challenges and one of course is to prioritise. People often say 'Oh, leave the housework or whatever,' and once in a while I will if it is to go outdoors as this is such a treat but if I don't feel up to going out then I much prefer to be a space where things are in the right place and clean. Having muddle and mess and outstanding jobs around saps my strength further anyway...it's like having lots of programs running in the background on your pc.

Always I will prioritise my blog because it's where I try to think straight and write creatively anyway. I don't believe inspiration lives inside your head anyway so if I don't achieve creative goals they are still there for someone else to take up. I will carry on my commitment to keeping my home as delight-full as I can and try to instil more mindfulness in the chores, more appreciation and awareness of my body, the tools I use, the purpose, the process and the result.

I give thanks today, as ever, for 'my' beautiful views. I once had my fortune read in the grounds of a temple in Thailand and I was told I would own land as far as the eye can see. Well, you could dispute this legally but no one really 'owns' anything do they. I am in possession of beautiful views and for that I am truly grateful.

I give thanks for a run in with one of my less favourite GPs this morning strange though this may sound. I don't feel good about pressing her buttons and it's a shame that she has them too but it reminded me to take more responsibility for my emotions. And I'm grateful for a lovely letter from the puzzled professor of neurology reminding me that the NHS does employ some really dedicated people and that he really does care about his job and me.

On a lighter note I read in the local news that someone has been arrested for growing 40 cannabis plants across the river 'in a joint operation' between the council and the police. I like to think that the person who wrote that chuckled...

Points of view

Hey guys, how you all doing? (I've a degree in England Language me...ask Cheryl!) I've been looking for a link to the snowboarding crow in case anyone in the world hasn't seen it yet but I also wanted to remind you of the wonderful images to be found of all manner of things on Dark Roasted Blend...and look what I found!!! Job done, as they say...

http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2012/01/birds-just-want-to-have-fun.html

What the eye does see may gladden the heart in so many ways... I know I'm no photographer but I like to try and capture the sense of the moment for me. Sometimes that's what photos do...and sometimes they are a key to a whole host of memories and lingering perceptions.

This image (or a similar but smarter version) I fell in love with in a frame in a little craft shop the other side of the county a few years ago. It had been taken by the owner/seller and when she told me it was taken in the Scilly Isles I said 'Ooh I'm going there for a day trip soon...what's it like?' and she said lots of things that made me even more keen to go. While I was there, having a bit of a wander around the main island St Mary's with a friend I walked past a building and said.'Oh look...that's that wall!' And he obligingly took a picture for me to take home and compare as the shutters were shut so I couldn't see the view through the two windows to be sure. So I got it home and compared stonework and sure enough it was the same. I was very proud of my memory for detail but I was dumbfounded when I was telling the story to someone else and he looked at the two pictures and said...'Oh I know where that is...up by the Garrison.' And he was right! Clearly this wall and this window are rather special and I was lucky enough to go there again one day when the shutters were open and see for myself that you really can see right through the building and across the water to the other side of the bay...

I give thanks today for the the multi layered and faceted remembrances it brings me every time I see it on the table beside my sofa and how sometimes when I pick it up and look closely I experience the same wonder as the first time I did...

I give thanks for a good night's sleep despite various pains and problems (and no, I don't mean my neighbours this time!) and for the golden sun-up light and the sight of the churning sea... For chores done and food cooking (the inner chef is working part time today!) and for garlic! I was brought up to understand that eating garlic was a sign of moral lassitude and heathen ways...on a par with adults wearing jeans or long hair after thirty (on a woman...long hair on a man was always wrong apparently!). I'm grateful for all the opportunities for remarkably innocent rebellion my upbringing has given me...

Hello today to Pat - hope you're getting better...and to Sally - always admired your art work..would love to see some pics of pics!

Teign spirit

It's the name of a local boat...I can't take credit for the title apart from remembering to pass it on!

I can only take credit for leaning out of a high up window on a windy day to capture the sun's rays illuminating the estuary. You can only see the water when the trees are bare and the light is right... and it was...




I give thanks for living somewhere where they give boats cool names and where, if no one is drinking too much, it's mostly very peaceful and pretty! And for the sound of the sea roar in the background behind the quietness.

As my inner chef is still absent I give thanks that gave my inner slob free reign and rustled up a 'healthy' fry up of oven chips, egg, beans, and veggie sausage with bread and butter to make a butties and a mug of tea on the side. And I actually got the egg just right (without a greasy spoon!) which is unusual. Much gratitude especially for that!

I would like to express gratitude also for the cheerful sight and delicate fragrance of the locally grown daffodils I bought the other day. And the golden light of the sun just before it set making the bare tree branches and mimosa blossoms glow. And for some clouds earlier that looked just like the ones in the Simpsons. It crossed my mind maybe some readers wouldn't know what they looked like and did a search for 'Simpsons clouds' to see if that might help them. Pages of reference and pictures...you could write a dissertation, ha ha! Oooh and for remembering I have some almond Magnums in the freezer...

Tiny dancers

It's been such a busy week I've been feeling like it's the weekend starting...haven't felt like that for years! Thanks to my dentist for reconstructing two halves of two teeth missing fillings for a few weeks...for another glorious day weatherwise and time for a few minutes sitting on the beach waiting for them to 'set'. Thanks for TWO visits to cafes for tea and cake and in one overhearing the conversation between two elderly ladies one of whom had been on a cruise and was showing the other her photos. She was giving little explanations of each shot, as you do...'This is such and such in Malta' and 'That's so and so in Tenerife but it didn't come out very well' and after a few she said 'I'm not sure where that one is...I think it was somewhere in Malta.' There was a long pause and then her friend said...'That's your back garden, that's the view over your hedge!' Classic!

Thanks for all your comments and messages and to Laura for a trip to the recycling centre (I wrote dump first of all, shame on me!) and to shops a few miles away where we both bought various things for craft projects and diy and looked at a whole lot more that we might! Thanks for food from the freezer for my tea and for those mad truckers on the Andes roads to entertain me while I ate it. And for the tiny dancers on Got to Dance. The standards this season are incredibly high...but in the under tens it's phenomenal...

Let there be light

Gosh the moon is still so bright even though getting noticeably slim now...last night it had the sea all of a glow again. Today the sun is dazzling too! No complaints about either...much delight and gratitude in fact but some puzzlement...is it to do with air quality? Amospheric pressure? My clarity of vision? Ha ha!

My skin is looking clearer too, much thanks to Bob for an inspired Christmas gift choice from Lush! I was asked myage when buying booze the other day. This is clearly a lie as I don't buy booze...in fact I have trouble drinking what I do have before it goes off. If anyone has any practical help to offer with this please let me know asap!

Juanita (widget) has a new blog...walswords.blogspot.com (hurray!) She has links to several other cancer blogs she finds inspirational. I'm not a great one for reading about 'cancer journeys'...nor, would it seem, are a great many people interested in reading my non-cancer orientated journey but I clicked on a few on the list I hadn't come across before and indeed there are words there to inspire. But you can lead the proverbial horse...and not everyone's journey plans are built around interest in inspiration.

Which leads me to thanks once again to Rachel for great acupuncture and tea and empathy and a helping of wicked laughter. We aspire to goodness...not boringness!

I realised why the picture wouldn't load or edit properly...it was a raw file. Kind of like a digital negative. Try again with a jpeg shall we? And again...and again...good job none of us is in a hurry eh?

Normal service

Why can't I upload a picture?

Oh I can now...just only sideways! Oh well, an improvement on not at all...been trying on and off for a day and a half. Can look at it lying down can't we? Comments working for me too after a little tussle. Try again Lynn! Lights out now. Night all!

Stretched

I used to say I needed to walk four or five miles before I felt I'd 'stretched my legs'...before I got into my stride. Well I didn't used to just say it...it was true! And I used to love the feeling at the end of eight or ten when you were ready for a long soak in the bath and a flop on the sofa. Nowadays I can only manage the last five words of that sentence and it's not the same without the bit before...Yesterday I got that feeling though and it was wonderful! I certainly didn't stretch my legs, and one of the pains that has to be overcome is the pain of humiliation at my slow and stumbling steps, but the weather yesterday was so gloriously warm and sunny and I did have to go out for some necessities so it would have been foolish not to have extracted every bit of pleasure I could from it. And in stages, with lots of sit downs and refreshment breaks I got from one end of the sea front to the other as well as doing the shopping and other tasks in town. So it was the contemporary equivalent of a long walk and certainly felt like that afterwards! I'm often tired...goodness me, even getting ready to go out tires me out...but this was a different sort of tiredness and very good it felt too!

I give thanks for much napping on the sofa in the evening and for a very jolly Midsomer Murders about bird watchers and retired ballerina. Light relief from real life eh! It also reminded me of a trip to the Isles of Scilly in the autumn when the waxed jacketed obsessionals were out in force. On the whole not a friendly bunch I found...there was one who said hello and I remembered him because of it and because he had long hair which is not norm...and then I saw him months later on a boat behind Martin Clunes in a TV programme. Weird coincidences...and synchronicity...love them! I'm grateful for finding a new battery for my laptop on ebay as the current one is not in the best of health...and finally after the usual arguments about passwords and mother's maiden names I actually managed to order one from a supplier who uses the Royal Mail (just realised how quaint a title that is!).

Gratitude too for dreams which included a flock of seven or eight kingfishers, some of them carrying wriggling sliver fish, a giant strawberry (after reading about the predictions of John Elfreth Watkins Jr methinks) and a canteen closed because of an 'unauthorised animal' which turned out to be a cat! Oh and for the sight (back in the real world) of a neighbour's cat accompanying her and her dog to stretch their legs in the communal gardens.. I love the site of them scampering and trotting with their tails up to keep up. I used to have a cat that went on walks. Well I would wouldn't I? And yes it was black, ha ha!

Hope you're all doing OK. Apologies to those I owe messages or responses to, I've been ploughing through a backlog of important letters and paperwork and after that and this I lose the will to type... Take care of yourselves and be of good cheer. I am thinking of you...

Precious

*Golden light of the slanting sun at the start of the day

*Silver dazzles on the sea as it climbs higher

*Opal sky and sapphire water

*Mixed gem colours of pansies in the flower beds

*Putting the what ifs and the not ifs to one side...Feeling the pain and doing it anyway...

*Living somewhere where a little effort gets you somewhere so glorious...priceless!

HD ready

What a beautiful moon we have had this week. Yes pedants, I know it's the same one as always, but the last couple of days I'd give it high marks for both content and artistic impression! Monday night it was in a rainbowed circle in a bank of light cloud and yesterday, when it was clearer, lighting up the sea. I give thanks for the memory of the view.

Thanks to Carole for alerting me to the sniffer bees. I'd never heard of such a thing and did an internet search rather than going straight to iplayer and I found many references over the years (yes, years!) including one on the QI site. I had never visited this before but it was actually er...how do I put this...quite interesting? I love it when we are reminded of all the amazing abilities of non human creatures can do even if we don't fully understand how and why they can do what they do...well maybe especially when we don't. I'm a great fan of the unknowable, ha ha! I was reading about researchers who had been showing videos of crabs to octopus who eat them to see how they reacted but they didn't react at all until high definition versions were shown- presumably as their vision is too sophisticated to recognise blurry old low tech images. I remember reading a Lyall Watson book many years ago – Gifts of Unknown Things, I think, where he was marvelling at the amazing eyes of squid and why they had them...isn't it good to finally understand it was so they were HD ready eh? I also love those random sentences that pop up in scenarios like the One Show clip - 'We put the bee in the holder'. Brilliant! Equally I've marvelled at sentences lately that shouldn't be strange but are...from Nothing to Declare: 'Tobacco is a legal drug' and from recent news report: 'MPs call for two alcohol-free days a week'. Does anyone want mine I have quite a few to spare?

A flat next door was cleared out yesterday. I don't know if this was connected to the death but knowledge of that added a poignancy to sight of furniture, carpets and so on being carried out and loaded up. Today some renovations are being done and I was woken to the rhythmic chink of hammer on stone or brick, then blaring radio, then the sounds of people enjoying their voices echo in empty rooms as they sang along while doing quieter chores. I can think of worse things I have to overhear...I was woken up by those kinds of things in the night again, couldn't get back to sleep and then had nightmares when I did...So I give thanks for the sounds of people happy at work which can actually be quite pleasant.

I give thanks for a speedy response to a request to speak to a GP and for feeling well enough to collect the prescription myself...even though the nurse didn't come in time for me to actually do so. Grrr! Well I could have gone out in the gathering dusk but I had additional plans that required daylight and anyway after dark nowadays I like to be home indoors with all the bolts and chains on! I give thanks for feeling a bit cooped up though because cabin fever is actually a healthy sign...and for finding useful things to do with the energy. As it was so mild I had the windows open so I could pretend I was working outside...and the cheery builders helped with the illusion.

Anyway, my late afternoon cuppa is going cold and I am definitely HD ready myself so that's enough waffle for today. Sending warm thoughts to Carol, Carole, Tony, Deb and Juanita today dealing with the aftermath of scan results including treatments that have nothing much to do with 'treats' and to Von who has popped up waving not drowning we are all glad to hear!

Steps

There was a parcel I knew a courier would bring today and one minute after he rang to tell me he was five minutes away the chemist's delivery driver rang to say he was on the doorstep with another package. Good timing I thought! My neighbour from the flat upstairs came down in between receipt of the two. I haven't actually seen her to speak to for week and the first thing she said was had I heard about Andrew. Awkward! Anyway, I'd not been looking forward to this encounter but it got it out of the way and in a public place as well! Unusually smart and tidy she was...wondered if she had an appointment with some sort of professional.

I'm grateful for a useful synchronisation of events anyway! I'm grateful for Laura coming back to start back at finishing the sitting room. Still a way to go with that but good to catch up with her anyway. I give thanks for a fairly mild and still evening so the windows can be left open a while and that I don't have you actually watch paint dry but can watch TV instead! I'm grateful for the more of the utterly fascinating Nothing to Declare about the various work done by customs officers in Australia and heartwarming and sometimes jaw dropping Got to Dance. I find this so much more pleasant that the musical talent shows as all styles and ages are welcome and commercial potential is not the top requirement. The standard this year is astonishingly high and they don't focus a great deal on that which isn't which is refreshing, plus the judges always manage to find something kind to say and praise really going for it even if skill is limited or technique is poor. And a special mention for the inclusive Magpie Dance group whose spokesperson pointed out we are all natural born dancers whatever our abilities. I give thanks I had the opportunity to work with people like these, in many kinds of enabling ways - dance included. I'm grateful for all the food on my shelves...I've just got to train it to jump from the cupboard and fridge ones to the cooker ones. Another work in progress!

Still life

Energy levels are funny things aren't they? You can feel like a two toed sloth with a hangover sometimes but push yourself a bit and start behaving more like a squirrel with three Weetabix inside them (more like, take note, not just like!). That was me Friday when I went out...probably why the real squirrel came up to say hello...Then sometimes you are more like a flying fox and just glide...that was me yesterday dealing with all manner of mental and physical chores and having fun whilst about it...and today well I'm more like a very old tortoise that you have to check closely for signs of life and would tip over rather than speed up if you gave it a shove so the trick is just to accept this and go with the very slow flow. But I'm a very content tortoise...Hey it's the first proper Sunday we've had for a while...it would be foolish not to take full advantage of the 'day of rest' feeling and I'm delighted I've been doing so!

I'm grateful I got my pajamas so wet when I was washing my hair and I had to put proper clothes on eventually and I'm grateful I wanted spinach and filo pie so much I actually made some with cherry tomatoes and pine nuts in too. Yum yum! I'm grateful for lots of mindless TV and for the far from mindless Sherlock. I'm loving this modern take, totally gripping and funny too! I'm grateful also for the sight of a curiously coloured sea earlier. Or rather not colored, just shades of grey with no hint of blue or green or purple or brown which is most unusual and for the almost supernatural stillness. Well it seemed so after all the winds of the last few days, and matched those energy levels perfectly!

In time

Well, well, well. Take it as you will. Today I would like to express gratitude today for my illness, strange as that may seem. For the opportunity it has given me to get to know myself better and to love myself more, and for understanding better why others don't and minding so much less. And for opportunities to love them more, even if it's a challenge at times. I'm grateful for the time it has given me knowing that I have less time. For the time to think and learn and understand. My thought for the day has been 'think outside the box'...take any of those words to mean anything you care to as well! I've been applying it to the task I've set myself which is 'to do the right thing' and therein lie many minefields of interpretation as well! Take being 'helpful' for example...

Sometimes when people ask for our help it's more about them wanting to us to know they have asked than actually needing our assistance. Sometimes when we offer help it is more about us wanting to know that we have offered, and for them to know we have, than actually about assistance. Sometimes when people don't ask we don't know if we should offer and when they can't ask we don't know if they might have done if they could...I've been trying to separate thinking I'm doing the right thing from actually doing it so it doesn't get caught up with pride or self congratulation... And I realise I'm getting far too philosophical and metaphysical for a few of you so I'll shut up now.

There are lots of people mutually known on here for whom warm and compassionate thoughts are very much in order just now but today I'm thinking about Andrew, the man who died on the terrace just before Christmas. Whether it was an accident or murder or he just came to the end of his life he lay alone for some time at the foot of a communal stairway a few doors away from where I'm sitting now. He was a 'local character' with all those implications, but either no one knew he was there or people knew and no one helped him. They have been having trouble finding any next of kin. He was 62 and seemed only to have drinking companions, and I think that is immeasurably sad. There will always be people who we find less easy to like, let alone feel love and respect for, and it's easy for us dealing with a terminal diagnosis to forget there are other ways that life can end that we also would not choose.

OK. Enough of the sermon. Later, to counteract all this being good, I asked the Beat and J J Cale to take me dancing. They're getting on a bit now and I'm more in the flushes of middle age than the first flush of youth so we limited it to one track a piece with a sit down in between to adjust my stays and fan myself under the potted palms. I'm grateful for old dudes who make me feel still young! I've said it before but there are those who dance the vertical equivalent of lying back and thinking of England. I am not one of those...and I give thanks that I'm not a nun, ha ha!

Light effects

*Herons
*Highland cattle
*Allotments
*A station carpark with only blue and grey cars
*Two vicars having lunch in a cafe window
*Bare branches with tight tiny white flower buds like mistletoe berries...and some breaking open
*Different light effects of sea and cloud and breaks in the cloud and sunset
*Stopping to look at a squirrel and it walking over and sitting at my feet to look right back
*Smiling on the train and frightening people into not sitting next to me
*A flock of crows pretending to be starlings...or maybe auditioning for a film about birds
*A little white feather flying on its own remembering when it had wings

It's the journey that counts

After another difficult night first of all listening to horrible rows and then trying to get them out of my head again afterwards I wasn't too keen on the 'getting up and getting out there' I'd planned, but equally not sure another day at home waiting for more was not in my best interests. I kept reviewing transport options and dangling destinations in front of myself but it was only as I was as close to 'dashing' for the bus as I am able to be these days that I actually decided where I'd like to go. I knew I was cutting it fine but I hadn't seen it pulling away in the distance so when it didn't arrive I thought it might be late...then I checked the bus stop timetable and that route has been cut right back since I last went on it. The timetable I'd downloaded on the internet in the morning had been like last winter - every hour - but that was out of date too it was 90mins between them and not worth waiting another hour with all other connections disconnected.

I've been experiencing some exasperations and frustrations lately and wanted a trip somewhere for a literally 'different perspective' so I could appreciate the irony anyway! I got a train instead in completely the other direction convinced there must be something in that direction I needed to find, to see, to appreciate... Half an hour later I wasn't so sure. Half an hour later I was seriously wondering if it was too late to devote myself to a life of contemplation, trying to work out if my medical needs would preclude it. Remembering this now I'm reminded of the Woman with no Fire of her Own...when she goes to visit the wise man on the mountain (posted on here somewhere if you need to refresh your memory)...There seemed to be so much unhappiness and anger and closedness in the people around and so few positive emotions showing or signs of inner peace. You might think I was mad to be looking for some and maybe that's true, but it's also rather sad that it's mad don't you think? That whatever people have in terms of love or wealth or health or knowledge or faith (and most people can tick at least one can't they?) the impression you often get from them is of negativity, stress and distress...

But I'm not going to become a Buddhist nun, not when there's still stuff I want to do...and I'm not going to move to a tiny island or away from it all rural retreat - though this is stuff I want to do it is not a practical goal. It's becoming clearer I simply must try harder! Because you can't change the world or the other people in it...only yourself! I'd just been listening to Nina Simone and thinking quite a few of the things she was listing actually could be taken away and then I came to the line 'What am I here for anyway?' and I began to remember! Soon the train was pulling out of the dark grey of the city and to where the light grey sky was reflected on light grey water and my spirits lifted. I experienced TONS of things to gladden my heart after that and I'll hopefully gladden yours with a list later or tomorrow. Oh, and I decided to listen to a lot more music at row time!

Resolution

Ha ha! Having wrestled with my decision for a day and resolved upon a course of action, the opportunity to proceed refused to present itself. Oh well, it will come eventually or not as the case may be, I thought. I'm aware it's often the process of finding out what is right to/for us in these inner debates that matters more than what happens afterwards as that depends on many other factors too. So last night I decided to chill a bit instead...

I give thanks for a delightful episode of QIXL I had not seen before. I recorded the last series but have yet to catch up with them all. This one was very droll with 'quite interesting' facts and good banter too. I'm very grateful for that programme, it always raises a smile and a chuckle but rarely as many as that one. I watched a programme about the programme once and all the people involved in the production seemed to think it was interesting and fun to be involved in too. Apart from being a view inspector as per my dream a while back, I think being a QI 'elf', a person who delves for irrelevant but fascinating information and gets paid to do it would suit me very well.

After writing that I couldn't get to sleep and wrestled with the dilemma a bit more, finally deciding to write a letter. This had to be very carefully worded and during the course of the writing the situation changed some more but I decided to print it anyway and take it with me to acupuncture for a second opinion from Rachel. Only the laptop and printer wouldn't recognise each other after the software change and I couldn't resolve that by leaving time.

Never mind, I had a good chat with Rachel about the matter and all manner of other things and we managed to fit in a cup of tea and an acupuncture session too! I felt much better afterwards and am really looking forward to going back to every week again now. I had a little walk along the almost deserted sea front looking at the many vessels on the horizon sheltering from the storms I suppose. They used to do that quite often in the winter and when we came home on the evening train from work and saw the bracelet of lights encircling the bay it gave us a nice cosy feeling, and hopefully the crews too. Since then there have been several occasions when the weather has been fine but the recession has meant lots of idle cargo shipping hanging around. It looks the same but the reason's not such a comforting thought, though. Much gratitude for big boats and little needles...and for someone bringing me a cup of tea...always a rare and rejuvenating treat!

I felt like walking further. I felt quite brimming with vim and vigour but the sun was just dipping prettily behind the trees on the hill and I had to get home to take an antibiotic so came over all realistic and came home. You can't save unspent energy like money (when you do it's called obesity ha ha!) but as I'm coming to the end of that particular course of pills I should have a few days of feeling fairly well and combined with the acupuncture boost I ought to be up to a trip out somewhere for a few hours. Just the thought of that is exciting even if it doesn't come to fruition, though when I think about the reality of what is actually possible on local public transport within the short winter daylight hours maybe the planning will use up a lot of that energy!

Anyway I hope you are snug and warm and the wind has not done any serious damage to your property or neighbourhood. There's just been enough to be a bit exciting round here. Well if you like wind which some people don't of course. I think it's great! I must away and watch Nothing to Declare - my current Sky TV crush.

Fettered

Hiya, I'm here! Got a lot on my mind and not feeling very chatty today. Some stuff going on that needs both big thinks and inner conversations (even though one knows in one's heart what the answer is already!). I'm not ill or depressed so don't worry, just preoccupied. Apologies to those waiting for personal messages though.

I give thanks for relative peace to get on with it...and for...

A delicious supper of roast veggies with feta cheese

A bit of a text chat with Clive

A bubbly fruity smelling magenta mini bath courtesy of a Christmas gift.

A Ruth Rendell story about alcoholics and criminals of various kinds to read to take my mind off real ones

A cheery Tesco delivery chap coming to stock my cupboards up...I'm looking forward to all the choices I have for my tea and may even NOT have feta

A cheery letter from Kostas...I was part way through one to him when it arrived so apologies to him for the delay too though he'll have to have his psychically!

Cheers!

I'm grateful this afternoon that the nurse has been and after a fairly busy day so far I can chill for a while with TV and a cup of tea. Oh and chocolates...don't forget the Christmas chocolates and other goodies I'm still valiantly ploughing through. (Such dedication! Such persistence! Yeah right!) Seriously though simple pleasures eh? How easy it is to take them for granted and forget they're not really all that simple at all. Tea bags and mugs and kettles and water and milk and the wherewithal to get them. Washing machines and soap powder and sewing machines and thread. I give thanks for all the comforts and treats and labour saving thises and thats that sweeten and smooth my days.

I'm also grateful the storm has swept through and created dramas but no crises. For me the drama was that my bedroom window I'd opened a crack to hear the storm better blew right open and sucked the air out of the room so hard the folding bedroom door partly folded up and on the other side of the hall the normal style living room door slammed shut. This would have been no big deal if the handle on the hall side actually turned the spindle but for some reason it doesn't so I had a bit of a struggle to push it open especially quietly at 4.30 am... I was racking my brains to think of who I could ask to come to my rescue if I didn't succeed but I couldn't think of anyone so just pushed harder and did. Everyone I know should give thanks at this point that they didn't get plaintive messages, I reckon!

I'm grateful too for Amy's Christmas present - a gift basket I only just opened to really look in properly. It has a selection of tea bags and other hot drink sachets, oat cookies and dark chocolate and a pretty little tea pot and mug...all my favourite kinds of things and all in a very useful basket too! I haven't seen Amy for almost a year but she clearly remembers me well, bless her! I also give thanks for Trevor the nurse saying he likes coming here as I always cheer him up. What a nice thing to say! What a nice thing to do! I suspect he comes across some rather gloomy and grumbly characters in his working days - both patients AND colleagues, poor things.

Truly, madly, weakly

Whooff! I would like to express great gratitude for my supportive sofa and snuggly throw, for cooking today's tea yesterday and for hours of recorded TV to doze in front of... I'm grateful the mostly pleasant weather held out for a walk round a hilly nearby park - once the gardens of a local mansion that's kind of post apocalyptic Eden Project now. It was surprisingly full, as were the roads, car parks, the sea wall walk and its cafe... but I guess that's what you get for having sunshine on a Bank Holiday in a cool place. Mostly I managed to create space around me just by being my normal self! No, not breaking wind and having conversations with invisible friends but walking round with a big happy grin at the sights around, occasionally topped up with a chuckle of delight or an 'Oh wow!' if it got extra good...like an evergreen tree swaying and sighing in the breeze, the rainbow over the sea and the enormous ship on the horizon. Madelle indeed!

This evening I'm feeling rather rubbish, nothing that seems particularly related to walking round the park before people start muttering darkly about 'overdoing' it. Yes I'm a bit physically tired but that's half the point of going for a walk isn't it? Well it is to me anyway! And anyway, even if I've pushed myself further than my body now wishes it had gone, my motto regarding exercise since my illness is 'I'd rather die doing something than lying about on the sofa wishing I could'. Right now I'm happy with the sofa and mere memories of activity though! Great thanks for Stephen Fry and other opinionated bods discussing and demonstrating the 'top 100 gadgets' of all time....hours of fun (literally) including nostalgic footage and vintage ads. Lovely jubbly...

Madelle

I woke up this morning rather later than planned to a bright clear blue sky. I might have been more tempted to get up and go out and enjoy it if I hadn't been up later than planned admiring the bright clear starry sky last night. I give thanks for sight of both of the above and for feeling slightly more vigorous today and up to considering going out at all.

All weathers have their charm. I loved this view 'out the back' yesterday but didn't feel bodily fit enough to go out and prove my mental health was debatable...




I'm grateful I've washed up and managed to brush the tangles out of my hair (no mean feat these days) and sorted out some things to go to the recycling bins so I do have to get downstairs and out of the door at least! I'm not so grateful that the blog post I wrote during sit downs between chores I managed to delete. I shouldn't write in the actual blog on an actual keyboard I know, as if my flailing feeling reduced fingers hit control + all manner of other keys all manner of chaos can ensue... There's no point in being cross with myself though I usually feel more like being cross when it feels as if I in some way to blame rather than it being 'someone else's fault'. It's always your own fault if you're cross, ha ha!

I've ordered the aforementioned Kicker boots. They are boys rather than girls or ladies as for some reason they are prettier! They are in La Redoute sale. It's a mail order company(easier than 'real' shopping for me) and is French based and so has my abbreviated title as Madelle. Rather appropriate I think...

Heaven only knows what other pearls of wisdom I planned to share with you that have disappeared into the internet ether. I'm showered and dressed now and on the verge of the final stage of departure so shall hit 'publish' (I hope) and move on...Consider yourselves as getting off lightly I say!

For Von

Well it's been 48 hrs now so hopefully the antibiotics should be starting to kick in. I give thanks for my sterling immune system which normally protects me from normal bugs but the ones that munch away at my kidney do lay me low. I do know they're not munching by the way...it just feels as if they are! I think I might be up to a few rows of knitting this evening...it's a scarf so they're only short rows though I did knit one lengthways once!

I'm not used to doing so much nothing but it's what you need now and then. There was someone on Cancerchat the other day saying how futile it was to build up the immune system to fight cancer and she may be right but personally I think it helps when you're fighting with the symptoms and side effects...and the treatments...and their side effects...and just to stay ALIVE rather than merely waiting to die!

Due to hospital and holidays I've missed a couple of acupunctures lately and I do (delude myself?) I feel a difference there too. When I first saw Rachel I explained that I had been told that I was terminally ill and so I didn't expect a miracle cure (tho I didn't mind if I got one!) but that I wanted to feel as good as I possibly could for as long as I could. It may indeed be coincidental that I've been doing so relatively well but sorry, sceptics, I'm not going to stop the things I've been doing just in case they really are helping and I prove you wrong!

I give thanks for doing and adding to the mountain of washing up as planned! For my kitchen gadgets for their helping non hands. For discovering how an oven can revive stale shop bought mince pies. For my comfy, pretty home and all this idleness to enjoy it...for some great things on TV to encourage me to rest and recuperate. Special mention to Earthflight and the new Weighwatchers ad which begins 'No actors were used in this advert'. You have to watch it to the end to realise it's Weighwatchers and I'm not fat and it appealed to me so go chubbies go! Also for a new series of Got to Dance starting. I love this programme... heartwarming and awe inspiring and funny, at least in the early rounds! And for those of us who used to enjoy twinkling our toes it makes them twitch them a little. On that note I'd like to dedicate this post to 'Hothead' Von and her wonderful idea of Dance for Life. I always think of her when I'm dancing inside even if there's imperceptible movement to the untrained eye...

Fireworks

Happy New Year! It's a tad arbitrary when the new year starts but we're all in 2012 now aren't we? Even those who haven't woken up, ha ha! The Smurfs went down to town and Kim went out without leaving anything running and I had a shower and put my pjs on and dozed on the sofa til it was time to take my pill and watch fireworks. I watched Youtube clips from around the world...including Sydney's from various angles. Very good...well done Sydney! And then I watched the bongs on TV and the start of the London ones but the neighbourhood burst into sparkles and cheers so I had to pause the TV and keep jumping up to go from window to window watching and listening (it was still and cloudy and the sounds of the revelling crowds down the hill wafted up) - tiring but a good way of working off some of the toffees I'd been eating all afternoon! I've been feeling pretty rough and didn't even fancy a small glass of Bailey's or Crabbies ginger beer so I toasted my town and the astonishing fact I'm still here at the start of another year with spearmint and chamomile tea!

When I moved from Wales in 1999 fireworks were a rare treat but I noticed straight away that it's any excuse down here and 1st of Jan is just as good a one as 5th Nov...Pubs put them on as well as individuals letting them off in back gardens and on the beach. One year I'd had chemo on New year's Eve and the then friend who brought me home also took me down to the town later...We had never seen anything like it. Pretty much everyone in fancy dress, standing room only on the tables in the pubs (and people standing on the tables!) Piper in kilt, rockets and sparklers on the river beach...and an amazing warm friendly atmosphere. I'm getting emotional just remembering it...If I'd had the strength another time to go back I would have done. But of course the big firework displays in big cities get better and better and they are televised so you can watch them from your sofa any time and when I finally got round to pressing play I thought the London ones were gobsmackingly good...so good I rewound bits and played then again. Well done London!

It seems that I have a few Kickers fans among my readers...I'm thinking of switching to a new statistical tool but I've not heard of any that give that much demographic detail! Bob can see if it's males or females who look at his circuit bending videos (well, what they've registered as anyway!)and we are both quite fascinated by who finds us on the internet and where from and why they were looking... I've never actually owned a pair of Kickers, nor Doc Martins though I was tempted before Converse started making limited edition leather versions. I never really got the 'limited edition' thing. They do it with food and drink too: make something exceptionally good for a very short time and then make us do without when we've acquired the taste and would happily pay more to indulge it. Weird. Well the boots I've taken a fancy to are in a mail order catalogue whose courier delivers to the door and calls ahead so I can meet him there. I can try them on at home at my leisure and he'll collect them again if I decide they're not right, so that'll be the next thing I'll click on I'm thinking...

It's going to be another 'instalments' day today. Wash up and make some more mess cooking something being the main things left on the to do list. I'm pretty feeble at the moment but have an appetite for food and TV and books so nothing to complain about as I have all of those things within fairly easy reach. I'm grateful for another murky day the better to enjoy them!

I give thanks that apart from a few tired and emotional late nighters in the communal gardens no one has disturbed my peace since I finally got to bed just after one as solitude is often savoured better in silence...though the robin that sings in the night outside my window is most welcome! I'm grateful for the greetings I've received and hope you are all enjoying your day in whatever way seems most acceptable to you